Archive for November, 2007

The Trans-Siberian, the Orient Express, the Royal Scotsman – just some of the world’s great train journeys. Even the names conjure expansive landscapes, crossed by shimmering steel horizons dividing the vast open spaces.

Australia has several of its own romantic, adventurous rail adventures. And being some 4000kms across and 3000kms from top to bottom, rail is an ideal way to see the country and visit some of the gems that lie hidden far from the madding crowds.

The Ghan: Australia’s Red Center by Train

The Ghan: Darwin to Adelaide

Being a frequent traveller across the centre of the great brown land, The Ghan is an ideal alternative to the roads that, over time, offer a more predictable series of crossings to the Northern Territory and beyond. On the first few passes, the rail carriage is like a dot in the midst of an endless canvas, a rolling nothingness that stretches beyond the road’s edge. But with repeated viewings this boundless freedom can almost become like the recounting of a story many times told, the roadhouses ticked off like boxes in a well-known quiz and the bumps and furrows becoming a roll-call for the destination.

The Ghan is on many accounts a new experience from this merging vista: the open spaces of the carriages afford the genial passenger a stroll and a chance to talk with travelling strangers. Food is elevated beyond the culinary pleasures of road-house fare and the view suddenly becomes a portal to multi-dimensional bliss.

Consider the difference between a car - with its windscreen caught before your gaze, offering a streaming line of tar (or dirt should you be lucky to be “off-road”) winding endlessly before you – and the train: from your enviable lounge-car vantage, three “screens” of rolling desert views flicker and sway from the smooth, quiet advance of the diesel locomotion. The bush here starts not 30 metres from the roadside, but a mere metre from your window – offering a staggered perspective of a tree-line in the background and flickering stands of lone eucalypts flashing by in the foreground – your eye drawn hypnotically from far to near, as your day relaxes into a true meditation on the meaning of space. Even a few hours of this remarkable saturation of the senses unfurrows that travelling brow and leaves you feeling somewhere between refreshed and strangely immersed in the place of your arrival – laden with context and full of the surrounds that came to create these small oases in the remote outback landscape.

An even better reason to pass up the interminable offer of a bus trip over the same extended distances (2.30am “get out of the bus” anyone?) is that the train is in many cases cheaper And quicker. So if the poetry of the moment doesn’t move you, your wallet will at least thank you.

The Ghan: Big, red, named after camel drivers

The Ghan, named after the Afghan cameleers that helped traverse the deserts of inland Australia, departs twice a week from Darwin and Adelaide (Wednesdays and Saturdays from Darwin; Sundays and Thursdays from Adelaide), and takes two nights to cover the 2,979 kilometres from the tropics through the red centre to the Southern Ocean.

Katherine and Alice Springs are featured stops on the journey giving you a few hours to explore and feel the temperature shift. The train also drops off and takes on passengers along the route, including Tennant Creek, but in some cases, such as Coober Pedy, stops 30 kilometres from town and will only allow departure should you have a guarantee that someone will pick you up. It is certainly a long walk in and it is not so much the desert sun you have to worry about – but the chill of the desert night as its an after-hours stroll…

The Indian-Pacific: Australia East to West

The Indian-Pacific: Sydney to Perth

The Indian-Pacific is so named as it connects the coasts of Australia – the east’s Pacific to the west’s Indian Ocean. The train departs from Sydney on Saturday and Wednesdays via Broken Hill, Adelaide, Port Augusta, the mysterious open plains of Cook (a chance to stretch your legs) before the final port of call at Perth (where the service departs Wednesday and Sunday for Sydney).

From the gradual climb over the Great Dividing Range through the Blue Mountains of New South Wales to the treeless plains of Western Australia’s Nullabor some two days later, the Indian-Pacific presents three days of contrast for your travelling consideration. And if that hasn’t got your reaching for a timetable, the journey boasts the longest stretch of straight rail, at 478 km that’s plenty of time to set world records to construct the fastest travelling house of cards or match-stick palace.

The Overland: Adelaide to Melbourne

For a shorter journey of distinction within Terra Australis, The Overland connects Adelaide and Melbourne on a daytime service that departs three times a week. First run in 1887, this 828 kilometre trip now allows passengers to see South Australia meld through the border deserts and the spectacular Grampians to the cosmopolitan capital of Melbourne – and also serves to connect travellers to the Ghan and Indian-Pacific. Stops include Murray Bridge, Bordertown, Nhill (more than nothing!), Dimboola, the gateways to the mountainous might of the Grmpians (Horsham and Ararat) and the growing town of Geelong.

Jack says: Get your backside trackside on an Australian train

When you consider that flying may only take an hour, but the time to and from the airport, queueing and enduring the cute synchronised emergency displays amidst offers of “tea” and “coffee” on the plane all help blow the total travel time out by extra unaccounted hours, the train almost seems faster by comparison, giving you time to take in the landscape and perhaps even indulge in the lost art of conversation.

As far as the “how” of the journey’s go, services and prices vary from overnight seats (you can’t sleep in the lounge car, comfortable as it may be) to sleeper cabins and sometimes even a private carriage (should you and the celebrity of your choice be needing a moment from prying eyes). It is also possible to take your car with you on the Ghan and Indian Pacific rail services, so if you wish you can unload and take off under your own steam at your destination, or just drive straight back again for a bit of contrast and compare.

–Jack Brown

I love bacon. My apologies to any vegetarian readers we may have just lost.

Bacon is one of my favorite foods. I have personally made bacon pies, bacon ice cream, bacon waffles, bacon Halloween costumes (don’t ask) and bacon cocktails (seriously good: basically a white Russian with 1/4cup of well-cooked bacon tossed in a blender). I own a bacon cookbook and I regularly read an “I Love Bacon” website.

Sweet jesus, I’d even consider eating a slab of gummy bacon if I knew where to buy it!

Gummy bacon: A dream come true. Thanks Roberta.

But I digress. What got me started thinking about bacon was a blog I stumbled upon called The Breakfast Blog. It had never occurred to me that there were blogs dedicated to breakfast (and, a priori, to bacon). But there it was, a very pleasant blog about top breakfast spots (mainly in Australia, with some San Francisco and other recommendations thrown in). Nice breakfast-porn images. All in all, a great read.

So I started digging around, trying to see if this breakfast blog was a one-of-a-kind phenomenon. Nope. I can tell you,there are lots of people out there who are interested in breakfast, eggs, bacon, hash browns, coffee, orange juice, toast, you name it. If you can eat it before noon (that’s my personal threshold when breakfast turns into lunch, brunch whatever you want to call it, just don’t call it breakfast anymore), there’s a blog about it. Dozens of them.

Would I recommend any of them? Yes, I give props to Breakfast Blogger for introducing me to the “egg pants”. And props to Slashfood’s breakfast category, with plenty of breakfastanaliana.

Personally I don’t think crepes count as a breakfast item (brunch, for sure — no way breakfast). And I’m a little disappointed that I can’t find a single recipe out there for really good bacon waffles (yes, the bacon must go INSIDE the waffle). If you know of one, please share it.

–Scott McNeely

Has Tasmania gone missing??

Imagine my shock when, arriving back at my New York hotel recently after purchasing a new pair of Merrell World Passport slip-ons, with the patented world map on the sole, I discovered that Tasmania, the place of my birth, does not exist in the Merrell world!

Good gracious!

I had been in Tasmania only recently, but a quick check of the “manufactured on” stamp on the box showed that the shoes were newer than my latest visit. This left open the possibility that something had changed in the antipodes, and just maybe that “something” was quite awful.

This really did lay me low: I immediately cancelled plans to attend the Morrissey concert at Madison Square Garden that evening in order to fully think through the implications of this potentially disastrous news. (By a freaky coincidence, the performer also cancelled, leaving thousands of devoted fans disappointed. But not me: by then I had far more pressing matters on my mind.)

I left New York immediately for my US home-base, San Francisco. From there I initiated a series of international calls to my loved ones in Hobart and other parts of Australia’s island state (known to most Americans only because of the Tasmanian Devil, a nasty little critter best seen on TV rather than in person, if you want my opinion). The calls left me a little confused and not quite certain of the actual state of affairs: my dear Mother didn’t understand my query as to whether her home had been obliterated and she was now living in a parallel universe; my brother Geoff hung up on me; and the Hobart Police Station put me through to a terrorism call-in line, where I waited 20 minutes before hanging up myself.

Tasmania, as it should be

Clearly I need more concrete evidence. I quickly raced to K-Mart, where a large array of world globes were available at attractive prices.

I wasn’t so much interested in the price as the manufacture date; I wanted one that contained the latest, most up-to-date cartographic representation of the southern latitudes.

And yes, $49 later, I see that Tasmania is there, the globe was literally hot off the factory floor, my mind was at ease.

What were those people at Merrell thinking? Don’t they understand the flow-of effects of a mistake like this? If I were a litigious type I would consider some sort of legal action, I suppose. But I’ll be happy if they just put Tasmania back on their map…

–Rod Cuthbert

Planning a trip? Browse Viator’s tours in Hobart and things to do in Tasmania, then send Rod a postcard letting him know that his beloved homeland is still alive and kicking.

Editor’s Note: This is the 2nd in a series from John “traveler, father & wit” Ryan. He’s taking the family from Melbourne up along Australia’s eastern coast. Have kid, will travel is John’s motto. Read his first post here.

Archibald Fountain in Sydney’s Hyde Park

With an afternoon and night in Sydney under our belt, our holiday hasn’t been without its ‘challenges’. At the airport in Melbourne, we realised we’d left our little pusher at home, so young Seamus spent a long time in his parents soon-tired arms. The flight up was a stressful event. People without kids have little idea how stressful and embarrassing it can be when your little one cries… especially in an enclosed space (such as an airline cabin).

So I spent much of the 90-minute flight up the back near the toilet, trying to calm and amuse our poor little bub. Still, the Sydney flight was brief enough. It was when we were walking through the Sydney airport terminal and the little explorer headed towards a new car on display in the terminal that things went rapidly downhill. No matter how closely you watch a toddler, they can always manage to find the tiniest bit of danger. And the exposed spotlight illuminating the car display, burning hot, was like a magnet to Seamus’ index finger.

After a mad dash to the airport pharmacy, some amateur first aid, and a tearful luggage collection, we were in a cab to the hotel. It was mid-afternoon, so we thought we’d check out the city department stores for a cheap stroller. No luck, but we did spend a couple of hours playing in Hyde Park. For visitors to a new city, the open air of a large park can be a surprise. Hyde Park is absolutely charming, and it was fun spending the late afternoon marvelling at the ornate Archibald Fountain, chasing the birds and playing on the grass.

Sydney Tower & Skywalk? Next Time…

We’ve been using Sydney as a stopover rather than a destination in itself, so there wasn’t much time for sightseeing. A pity, because Sydney really is one of the most stunning cities in the world, blessed with the most perfect harbour setting and some world-class infrastructure. Having been many times before, it was a shame not to have time to get onto a ferry and out to Manly, and to wander along the beautiful beach at Bondi. Next time…

We did manage to organise a babysitter last night and spent our only Sydney evening out on the town! We love eating out at fancy places (each year my wife, Elissa, and I celebrate our anniversary at a nice restaurant), but hadn’t really tasted Sydney’s delights. We tried to book a table at Tetsuya’s – known as Sydney’s best restaurant – but couldn’t get in. Est, also highly regarded, was happy to have us though. A lovely evening, great wine. And a short stroll back to the hotel.

We’re all packed now, and I’m off to collect the hire car for our first leg up the coast to Forster.

–John Ryan

The rumors are true, illicit offerings abound for the Amsterdam traveler, but there is so much more. Amsterdam has all the offerings of a major world capital, and yet the atmosphere here is more akin to a village with tree-lined canals, art museums and a strong café culture. Even for the most puritanical visitors, Amsterdam is absolutely worth a few days’ visit. (And as for that Red Light District, it is worth a stroll for an insight into the city’s gritty side.) Here are my suggestions for making the most of a three-day trip to Amsterdam.

The canals of Amsterdam, looking towards Muntplein

Amsterdam Day 1: Get Your Bearings

Amsterdam’s Schipol airport is consistently ranked amongst the best in Europe. It is clean, modern and efficient, with regular trains running to Amsterdam Centraal Station in the city centre. Taxis in Amsterdam tend to be overpriced, so the 10-15 minute train ride to the city is the best bet (or pre-book an Amsterdam airport shuttle over on the Viator site).

Orienting yourself in Amsterdam is difficult, and its reputation as a complex place to navigate is well-deserved with small labyrinthine streets, but also part of its charm. There is no square street grid, and concentric U-shaped canals along with a few strategic landmarks are best for providing direction. Take note of Centraal Station, Dam Square and Leidseplein for starter orientation. English is spoken universally, so do not be afraid to ask for directions.

Amsterdam in fall, on Keizergracht

Ease into your first day by getting to know your surroundings. Amsterdammers choose to travel by bicycle, and consistent bike paths make such travel safe, easy and direct. Beware of walking on the bike paths, or be prepared to feel the reprimand of a ringing bell. Bike rental is possible near most of the city’s major attractions for a good price (about €6 or so per day), and it really is the best way to travel if you can cope with Amsterdam’s unpredictable weather. All the trams end-up back at Centraal Station, so in a jam, you can always take a tram to the Station and find their next destination from there.

A canal boat ride is also a good way to move about on the first day, get a feel for things and a new perspective from the water (about €10 for 75 minutes for adults). Water is everywhere in Amsterdam and canal cruising is part of the city’s charm even for residents. Most of the city is actually below sea level. You can also get an Amsterdam Hop On & Off Canal Pass if you want to navigate the city by canal via public transport. If all else fails, say hello to an Amsterdam city tour.

Towards the evening on your first night make a stop at the Anne Frank Huis (€7.50 for adults). The historic home can be crowded with visitors, so stopping by closer to closing time can give you a quieter, more-relaxed experience. The tour is short, but worthwhile. After the Anne Frank Huis, go for a stroll in the Jordaan neighborhood. The Huis is on the Prinsengracht, widely considered the most high-rent and posh of the canals. There are many great restaurants and cafes in the neighborhood, and do not be afraid to make your way down skinny alleyways in search of something different. To the north Prinsengracht intersects with Haarlamerstraat, a quaint, but commercial street with many restaurants and cafes. Going east on Haarlamerstraat will bring you back towards Centraal Station.

Amsterdam Day 2: Red Light District, High Art, Nightclubs

A walk through the Red Light District is worth it, at the very least for the experience. It can be quiet a different place during day or night. The main drag of the district is crowded with floods of tourists, keeping anything “too illicit” in the shadows. During the day it is quieter and you can encounter a group of nuns on a tour; at night there is much more going on, but also increased levels of seediness. Head toward the Oude Kirk, a massive cathedral in the center of the action. The dichotomy of the church and infamous rose-colored windows within arms-reach is quite something. The Oude Kirk also regularly houses unique photography and art exhibits.

Now you’re ready for some art! The Rijksmuseum (€9 entry) and the Van Gogh Museum (€9 entry) are the most popular, and justifiably so. Both are centered on Museumplein, a beautiful open park area with ice skating in the winter. (Note: You can purchase a canal pass and Van Gogh Museum ticket or a canal pass and Rijksmuseum ticket and save some money.)

(more…)

Just when I think nothing interesting is in the news lately, along comes a novelty story combining 2 of my favorite things of the moment - Egypt and Robbie Williams (British pop star for the Americans amongst us). The Great Pyramid of Giza has stood 4,500 years through the ages, now it faces its toughest challenge!

It seems Robster has decided the acoustics in the Great Pyramid of Giza are irresistible and he simply must check it out to see if he can record part of his next album in the ancient structure. Having recently been inside the second largest of the Pyramids at Giza, I wish him the best of luck but think he is clearly out of his mind. No ventilation inside so the air is stale and hot, 10 minutes inside was all I could handle. Passages are low and narrow, good luck to his crew trying to get equipment in and out. Lastly, the fact it is a burial place for a Pharaoh. The poor Pharaohs of Egypt endured centuries of tomb raiders and gawking tourists traipsing through their resting places, and now a 21st century pop star’s whim!

So, cheeky Robbie Williams is flying to Cairo in December to belt out a few tunes in the Great Pyramid and hear for himself the legendary acoustics. Enjoy your trip Robbie and don’t forget - Viator offers a great range of things to do in Cairo and the rest of Egypt…

-Kerrie O’Mahony

Cool tattoo, cool board

For the five or six months I spend each year in Sydney, I’m happily lodged in a small but unbelievably well located flat (Americans would say apartment) right across the road from Bondi Beach, Australia’s most famous strip of sand. Bondi is only a kilometer or so long, but it’s a magnet that attracts both an intensely loyal bunch of locals and a wide-eyed and never ending stream of tourists, eager to know what the fuss is all about. It’s impossible to take a walk along Bondi without seeing something that will instantly strike you as new or beautiful or weird or crazy or talented or… well, you get the picture. Here’s a snapshot of some things I noticed during my most recent visit…

Surf Culture

OK, surf culture is kind of obvious at Bondi, but the depth of it is unreal, with many sub-genres in existence. Here’s three you might not notice unless you look for them:

1. The recently minted tourist surfer
They’ve done three lessons with “Let’s Go Surfing” and bought their own board. Unfortunately the lessons were mostly in two-foot waves, and the new board has a sharp, pointy nose. So, imagine being out there on a five-foot wave with one, no — let’s say six! — of these guys, they’ve all been out drinking the night before, they’re slightly aggressive at the best of times anyway, and they weren’t paying attention during the lesson on “sharing the waves.” You get the picture, right?

Clubbies take to the water

2. The clubbie
Mostly seen in the early mornings — before 7:30am, say — or anytime at all on a Sunday morning, when the Surf Lifesaving Clubs literally take over the beach. Look out for well tanned blokes in little red speedos running down to the water with a surf ski under their arm, then disappearing for an hour as they paddle around to Bronte. On Sundays there’s all sorts of organised competitions or training, and on certain weekends clubs from other beaches visit Bondi for a full-on carnival. Expect beer consumption to peak later in the day. If you’re wondering why the clubbie is an important species, hang around at the beach long enough for a freak wave event and see what happens when two hundred tourists get washed out to sea. Very few people drown at Bondi; clubbies are the reason why.

3. Cool Japanese surfer-dude
A rare though not entirely uncommon breed, there’s usually one or two in the surf on any given day, but frankly they’re more interesting out of the water. Straight from Harajuku to Bondi, they have the coolest hair, the hippest clothes and the best looking friends. They sort of blend in when they pull on a wetsuit, so look for them on Hall Street instead. No-one is certain if they all surf, or just come down to look good and hang with their mates. Full marks for appearances, though.

The Shark Boat

No sharks, again

Sharks? Well, there hasn’t been a shark attack at Bondi since the 1930’s, when nets were first introduced. Few people notice the boat come in each week to check the nets, which seem randomly placed across the mouth of the bay. There’s a lot of debate about keeping the shark nets, focused on what other species get trapped alongside the occasional shark. Authorities are unlikely to remove them, though, for fear that an attack will leave them open to litigation. In the meantime, enjoy Bondi knowing that should you be taken by a shark, you’ll be the first victim in almost 80 years…

Sculpture by the Sea

Big blue beach, big blue sculpture

From modest beginnings in 1997, this annual outdoor art event is now the biggest drawcard on Sydney’s arts calendar. And why not? With over 100 sculptures placed along the Bondi to Tamarama Beach walk, there’s probably no better way to spend a weekend morning in Sydney than visiting this impromptu seaside gallery. In the early years some artists created pieces that were anchored or in some way interacted with the water. During the course of 18 days you’ll always get a big storm or two, and it’s tough seeing your work blown out to sea, so nowadays everything seems to be safely on land. If you’re in Sydney in November Sculpture by the Sea is un-missable. That may not be a word, but you’ll know what I mean.

Paparazzi

Everyday Bondi: Paparazzi lie in wait

The first thing I do when I get back to Bondi is make a cup of tea and a slice of toast with butter and vegemite, then sit in the sun-room and look out at the beach. I did just that couple of weeks ago, and spotted two very suspicious blokes skulking (yes, skulking) behind the bushes across the road. “Jeez, these blokes look like paparazzi,” I said to myself. Turns out they were, and they were stalking Rodney Adler, the high-profile businessman who’d been released from jail a few days earlier and was enjoying an espresso at Aquabar, a coffee shop downstairs from me. Bondi fact #1: Americans go to Disneyland to celebrate, but Sydney-siders go to Bondi.

Aquabumps

If you’re on the southern end of the beach around 6:30am on weekdays you’ll spot Eugene Tan, with his long lens and a serene gaze that seems to capture just about everything that’s interesting, colourful and cool. Two or three hours later, 25,000 people around the globe open Eugene’s newsletter, Aquabumps. It’s a daily dose of what the waves are doing, a couple of sublimely liquid surfer shots, the odd pretty girl in a bikini coming out of the surf, and anything else that catches his eye. That you could build a whole business around a newsletter with pretty much the same content options day after day after day says something about Bondi: it’s always changing, and always its same old beautiful self…

-Rod Cuthbert

New Orleans has a special place in my heart. I’ve spent many holidays there. I was married on the front steps of The Columns Hotel on St Charles Avenue. I even have a dog named Tchoupitoulas (Toula for short).

Mid City Lanes Rock ‘n’ Bowl: Open for business

Needless to say, I pounce on every positive piece of post-Katrina news I can find. When Uglesich’s reopened I nearly cried for joy (you have not lived until you’ve sampled their deep-fried oysters with blue cheese).

Today another bit of good news passed across my inbox, the fact that Mid City Lanes Rock ‘n’ Bowl is open. I had heard they were badly hit by Katrina, and there was even talk they would not reopen.

Luckily the rumors are false. Mid City Lanes Rock ‘n’ Bowl is open!

What’s the big deal, you ask?

Let’s start with the bowling. It’s a 1940s-era bowling alley with plenty of history, a great vibe, excellent table service, everything you’d expect from a classy bowling alley. Yet what really sets Rock ‘n’ Bowl apart is the music. Nearly every night of the week there’s live music, on a stage about the size of a barn door, right there in the middle of the bowling alley. And it’s not “stand around looking bored” music, not even close. This is “get off your ass and DANCE” music, everything from zydeco to Cajun to country to local rock (check out the music calendar here).

Mid City Rock ‘n’ Bowl may not change your life. But for me, it’s another small sign that New Orleans is coming back to life. Laissez les bons temps…

–Scott McNeely

Planning a trip? Browse Viator’s things to do in New Orleans, from a post-Katrina city tour to a swamp and plantation combo tour, and everything in between.

Viator’s founder with his contraband surfboard

A wave of protest. That’s what British Airways (BA) provoked this week when it announced — with no warning — that starting November 6 it no longer will transport “unsuitable” items on its fleet of aircraft.

The list includes canoes, hang gliders, pole-vaulting poles, javelins (!) and, yes, surfboards.

Surfboards??? Dude, what is BA thinking?

While the global community of javelin throwers is tiny, surfers number in the thousands. And they are not happy.

A spokesperson for the British Surfing Association (BSA) said she was “extremely shocked” by the decision, especially as some boards weigh much less than many items not included in the ban. “We’d find it extremely hard to believe that the average short board would be more difficult to handle when compared to a double bass and a full bag of golf clubs.”

And there’s the rub. BA’s new policy applies to surfboards and javelins, but not to bulky items such as golf clubs, bicycles and over-size musical instruments. Which looks to some like an arbitrary policy that unfairly punishes surfers (economy class, who cares) but not golfers (business class, don’t mess with them).

BA’s response? “Some items are simply not suitable for airport baggage systems to handle or travel in the aircraft hold.” They have no plans to review the new policy.

That’s not stopping the British Surfing Association from launching an online petition against the ban. The BSA complains that Britain’s surfing teams usually travel to their European and international events on BA flights but now will be forced to use other airlines. And think of all those unlucky British surfers who live in cities where BA is the primary carrier. Akaw, surfer dudes and betties, this doke ban was put together by a bunch of butt crumbs. Let’s hope they come to their senses.

–Scott McNeely

Pop-Aussie Quiz: Which animal is more dangerous?

It’s Friday, a day when we look to the Internet for gags, funny links, Paris Hilton updates and other mirthful frivolities. And today was better than your average Friday. I didn’t need to access the Internet’s tubes and levers for entertainment. Instead I checked my personal email account (yes, we all do it, admit it, even on work time) and found this gem forwarded to me by a friend in Australia.

I don’t claim authorship, nor do I take responsibility (unless you enjoy it). And most important, I scored 13 out of 23 which makes me an honorary Aussie, I reckon. (Not sure how I feel about that, actually…)

Without further ado, the 2008 Australian Citizenship Test. Unleash your inner Aussie.

2008 Australian Citizenship Test

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term “died in the arse”?

2. What is a “bloody little beauty”?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: ‘In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.’

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) ‘If the van’s rockin’ don’t bother…
b) You’re going home in the back of a…
c) Fair crack of the…

7. I’ve had a gutful and I can’t be fagged. Discuss __________________________________

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard ‘up on blocks’? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else’s beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

15. When you go to a bring-your-own-meat barbie, can you eat other people’s meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter ‘b’ is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

18. Is it possible to ‘prang a car’ while doing ‘circle work’?

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson, John ‘TrueBlue’ Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

22. What does “sinkin piss at a mates joint” and “getten para” mean?

23. How far would you wear your mockies?
a) Inside only
b) Back yard only
c) To the letter box
d) To the milk bar for a pack of winni blues
e) To the movies
f) To the shoppo
g) To the pub

–Scott McNeely