Fear and Loathing in Amsterdam

Editor’s Note: It’s quite possible that Jack, based on certain clues in his post below, is in Amsterdam right now. Not guaranteed, but we took a vote here at Viator and agreed – Jack is very likely sending us this from Amsterdam. Jack, did you lose your way after the Amsterdam Cannabis Walking Tour???

Born to be wild? You wanna head out on the highway? With some heavy mental thunder? Well, like Steppenwolf, you can always go my way… You can forget the Idiot Box or the Boob Tube for brain-relieving entertainment – get out in the thick of it and grab yourself a plaatsbewijs and get on out on the open road, spoorwegondernemingen or vluchthaven for some mind-numbing, park-your-brain-in-neutral enjoyment.

No tobacco, just weed, €5

Now, while it’s mostly against the law to obtain, carry or have drugs or restricted substances outside of ye old Amsterdam and the Netherlands, you can have a little pleasure Low Land style across the flatlands as long as you keep it clean. So mind your Ps and Qs, as they say, and keep on the right side of the law.

Amsterdam: Open wide, it’s party inside

Fancy a coffeehouse but without that chatty high that espresso gives? How about a half gram of Casablanca hash from a coffee shop and bung it down the gob-hole? As long as you got your ticket to ride, my baby don’t care – so make sure you got the magic piece of paper with the connections inscribed and then lose the plot with your passport to international success. Because when you destroy the evidence, it’s no real problem if you are the evidence.

The ‘open wide’ approach can be a little more unpredictable and more like the roller coaster that takes hours to reach a precarious and precipitous peak, but rest-assured they’re be no puffy-huffy smokey smells for the border beagle as you hit Deutschland (where buses and trains are intercepted by Zoll/customs agents, and breaking German law will have you off the train) and no tell tale red eyes for your fellow passengers to dismiss you with. Keep it clean this way and make it mean, you’ll wonder how you ever forgot to remember to forget how unforgettable travelling by the window can be!

Slip, sloshed, slap

Beer porn in the Netherlands

Beer is a little winner in my book every time. The perfect food they say, save for any protein, but ideal for supping any time of day. Trouble is with my fermented friend, that it can get you bounced from clubs pubs and transport faster than you can say “oh hang on there… of course I’m fine, oh I’ll just pick that up, no, let me…. (burp)”…

Much like that campaign in 1980s Australia that said if you were headed outside in the sun you should slip on a T-shirt, slop on some sunscreen and slap on a hat, if you fancy hittin’ the autobahn drunk you could slip on something a bit bigger than you reckoned and sloshed as you might be could be you get slapped with a fine. Though the swelling in your wallet might go down eventually, you head out ‘n’ about a bit too under the weather then a fine might be the smallest thing your sloshed self gets slapped with…

God & Brewing

If you like a little moderation for your inspiration then there’s more colours and varieties of beers on offer in the Netherlands than you could poke a drunken stick at – thanks in part to their southern cousins handy way with God and brewing. The Trappist Monk tradition makes its way over the border in more than just bottle form, 8 or 9% alc. vol your thing?

Well, doesn’t matter if you’ve once been to India, cos once you’ve got this indya you won’t be looking back. A little sweet for some, but proufoundly deep for others – much as the rare condition negronesia, which strikes hardest after one too many negroni’s, a night with the monks could well be a night to remember, but can have you reaching for your memory stick the next day in an attempt to join the dots, even though you know they were all good.

Chucking down a chili

Dr Hunter S. Thompson - Jack's role model, minus the sneakers

Now if, like that classic funk song Grandmaster Flash styley, you wanna take it higher, baby – then get your behind on down to serious infotainment. Now chucking down a chili can set the time-based taste buds a little for a wee time, inducing sweat and delirium like they were all last week. And maybe a saucy encounter with Thai food is just what the doctor ordered when planning your next inner retreat. But soon as you’re finished howling and hootin’ and reachin’ for the water, you’ve scarcely time to make it to the car and get some kilometres under your belt before the endorphin high is all wearing off.

No, it’s going to take something with a bit more staying power – wasabi flavoured sesame seeds? It’ll have you to the end of the street maybe, but probably not screaming down the highway. Ginger tea with ginseng? A healthy and healing alternative, but I’ve known a nasty ginger concoction to have a mate on the thunderbox for nary 24 hours reconsidering his meals past and present.

True high-octane fun of the hairy and hallucinatory variety don’t come as simple as you might think, and think over that next trip, ‘cos there’s no room in Holland for the dunce that stands up shouting on the bus believing you’ve all been eaten by a giant metal crocodile and now prisoners of its innards now all filled with seats and windows, no siree…

Tanked up to the eyeballs and then some, you fancy a flight on a hairoplane? Well nah, nah and prob’bly not, cos high as a kite is as high as you’ll get if there’s a suspicion that your suspiciously in touch with more than just the ground-bound god’s of levitation. Better to take your flighty fancies to a balloon ride or perhaps fly that kite yourself after all ‘cos it keeps the danger down for others and gets you in touch with which way the true wind blows. A trip down memory lane or any other street in a while driving a car could have you caught outside your comfort zone should you mess things up and push comes to shove, so to speak…

And a train? Well stuck inside on a fine day seems a good analogy for such a venture when the road’s a beckoning and you’re a reckoning that there’s room to put the fun back into funkin great and mix up yourself a little palette of mental colours that would most goldfish jealous that they didn’t do it first.

–Jack Brown

Planning a trip? Browse Viator’s list of things to do in Amsterdam. Today, we’re in the mood for an Amsterdam canal cruise.