Mate, Don’t Chuck a Spaz

Pop-Aussie Quiz: Which animal is more dangerous?

It’s Friday, a day when we look to the Internet for gags, funny links, Paris Hilton updates and other mirthful frivolities. And today was better than your average Friday. I didn’t need to access the Internet’s tubes and levers for entertainment. Instead I checked my personal email account (yes, we all do it, admit it, even on work time) and found this gem forwarded to me by a friend in Australia.

I don’t claim authorship, nor do I take responsibility (unless you enjoy it). And most important, I scored 13 out of 23 which makes me an honorary Aussie, I reckon. (Not sure how I feel about that, actually…)

Without further ado, the 2008 Australian Citizenship Test. Unleash your inner Aussie.

2008 Australian Citizenship Test

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term “died in the arse”?

2. What is a “bloody little beauty”?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: ‘In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.’

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) ‘If the van’s rockin’ don’t bother…
b) You’re going home in the back of a…
c) Fair crack of the…

7. I’ve had a gutful and I can’t be fagged. Discuss __________________________________

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard ‘up on blocks’? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else’s beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

15. When you go to a bring-your-own-meat barbie, can you eat other people’s meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter ‘b’ is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

18. Is it possible to ‘prang a car’ while doing ‘circle work’?

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson, John ‘TrueBlue’ Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

22. What does “sinkin piss at a mates joint” and “getten para” mean?

23. How far would you wear your mockies?
a) Inside only
b) Back yard only
c) To the letter box
d) To the milk bar for a pack of winni blues
e) To the movies
f) To the shoppo
g) To the pub

-Scott McNeely

PS: The answer to the question posed in the photo? Tough call. Koalas have those nasty claws and can rip off your face if they wanted to. Cute + claws + smacked up on gum leaves = dangerous. But then again, kangaroos can punch you. And they, too, have sharp claws on their feet. And they can run faster than you. So I’m giving the kangaroo a slight edge in the most dangerous animal competition.