Travel by Eurovision

Dima from Russia, the 2008 winner

Would it be wrong to base future travel plans on the Eurovision song contest?

Come on, would it be really really so wrong? Isn’t the entry of each country saying something important about that country, representing the popular face of the nation, its culture and its current popular heroes? And face it past winners have included ABBA and Celine Dion – can it be so misleading about nations?

I don’t think so. Hence, this is where I will and won’t be travelling in the next year based on the 2008 Eurosong Contest held this May in Belgrade, Serbia.

Travels by Eurovision: Winners, Losers & Pink Stilettos

Montenegro: perhaps; they seemed cute, sincere, somehow naïve. I like them.

Israel: a country where the men forget to wear shirts under their waistcoats. Unlikely destination due to this outmoded crime against fashion.

Estonia: unlikely due to a healthy fear of crazy people who hold up large images of onions and cake while singing. Also the women seem to only be clad in bras – is it warm enough for this that far north?

Moldova: definitely not - the song was bad and the performance involved a teddy bear, a couch and a trumpet. Too weird for my comfort.

San Marino: perhaps, especially now that I have become aware it is a country in its own right, and found it on an map. It’s in Italy – did you know that before Eurovision?

Belgium: Brussels was recently voted the most boring city in Europe and their entry was an excellent reflection of this. Sorry, no visit.

Azerbaijan: another geography lesson from Eurovision – I had to check an atlas to see if it was even in Europe and I still think it looks more like Asia. But I loved them: angel wings, crazy instruments, passion. Count me in.

Slovenia: well I’ve been there and I didn’t see any women dragging men around by chains… perhaps this is a recent trend.

Norway: I had this on my list and have now taken it off. This was the blandest, most global village, uncharacteristic song of anywhere sung by four scary blond women in matching blue frocks. Clone central. No.

Poland: I lived there for a while and didn’t see any badly blue-frocked mermaids with crazily perfect white teeth. Then again I didn’t get to the coast up north. And I won’t.

Ireland: a country which clearly felt sending their entry by mail was cheaper than a plane fare: it was a puppet. Too much drinking going on in Ireland I fear.

Andorra: I admit I had to check where this was on the map: high in the Pyrenees between Spain and France. Rocking location and great gold C3PO in bondage dress. Visit a must.

Bosnia & Herzogovina: I have been there and am glad to report not having seen all these old brides and young people doing scary dancing. No going back there.

Armenia: a young diva girl and her backing singer boys. Lots of fringing on her dress. Did not move me one way or another so probably won’t make the trek this year.

The Netherlands: Amazonian, bicycle-fit women who could actually sing. Respect. All in black though which does not reflect my memory of the great fashion there. The again everyone wore jeans all the time for that bike riding.

Finland: a major disappointment for the repetition factor: they won with Lordi a few years ago but giving us more heavy metal but without novelty costumes: No. Get more daylight and have a long hard look.

Romania: Mismatched voices and wardrobe: he was in jeans and a tux jacket and she was in black leather. Not sure I could make a visit under those conditions.

Russia: The hot pop heartthrob of the nation did them proud when he ripped his perfect white shirt open to reveal his perfect white chest. But I’ve already been there.

Greece: A pink frocked diva and her backing boys in black I felt reflected the nation very well. Especially liked the opening of the heart at the end. On the list.

Iceland: Top of the list. Great energetic song, happy seeming people, their outfits matched perfectly and included pink stilettos – yay!

Sweden: hmmm, this country perhaps has too good a health scheme if there is this much plastic surgery on offer. A hint of corsetry nearly saved it. But no. Actually frightening.

Turkey: handsome boys in a rock band – always a good draw card for a nation. But it does beg the question about a Eurovision appearance making or breaking a band’s cool image in their home country.

Ukraine: A sexy silver clad diva with her four black clad backing boys to carry her around and lift her on and off the sets. Nice. Perhaps a nation of powerful women. Will consider a visit.

Lithuania: not likely if all the men have hair like him and continue to sing soppy rock ballads well into their adulthood.

Albania: the youngest entrant in the contest so I guess I can forgive her very bad outfit. Still, not enough in the song to draw me to the country.

Switzerland: Zurich came second in the poll for second-dullest city in Europe and I have to say the song probably outdid that and came first in dullness. One visit was enough.

Czech Republic: girls shaking their wild thing in minimal silver costumes. I guess this is why it’s the top country for Englishmen on buck’s weekends.

Belarus: Hasta La Vista?? Is that Belarusian? More sexy sparkling girls.

Latvia: Apparently there is a great tradition of piracy in Latvia. Either that or they entered a children’s theatre troop. I’m putting off my planned visit.

Croatia: A 75 year old rapper, a girl in a flowing red dress wildly dancing and a gypsy folk band. I guess that’s why I now live in Zagreb.

Bulgaria: flaming decks, spangles, sexy dresses, rockers with tattoos – this seems like a partying country. Perhaps a visit in order.

Denmark: Wow, did fashion get frozen in 1940? Not going there. Ever.

Georgia: She could sing but she did not move. All in white. Sunglasses. A bejewelled cross. Intriguing…

Hungary: Way too serious about Eurovision… No.

eurovision song contest travel itinerary

Can you guess which country? Could it be… Germany?

Malta: Now these people were having some serious fun. Again, a girl and four backing boys in black but despite this lack of originality, Malta is a definite destination.

Cyprus: A sexy red-dressed diva with two backing boys which seemed an adequate number. Under consideration for a visit.

FYR Macedonia: the fashion choices were a scary mishmash but the unsporting booing of the Belgrade crowds for this now independent republic makes me say: yes, I will visit you.

Portugal: Finally a singer chosen for her talent and not the fact she has not eaten for a year and her dress therefore requires fewer spangles to be sewn on. I love Portugal.

United Kingdom: a fairly dull song from an inoffensive family man. See, it does reflect the country. Too familiar.

Spain: always hot, always fun.

France: the controversy of their famed DJ entry singing in English. The horror for the French of joining the rest of the world… Just been there anyway. And tried to speak French, really.

Germany: scary. No.

Serbia: a fairly standard diva to follow up last year’s controversial “is she or is she not gay?” entrant who did them proud and brought Eurovision to Belgrade. Visit possible as we’re neighbours.